I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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