It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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