I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
