I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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