??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
