My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
