you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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