when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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