I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
