Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
