i already hear my dad disowning me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
