Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
