tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I can't put those talents on a resume
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
