What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
