im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
