Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
