She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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