Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
