I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
