We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
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Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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