my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
