i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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