Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
