you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
