it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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