somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
