I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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