True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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