The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
