Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
