Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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