If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We're not piercing ourselves today.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
