Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The air was thick with penises
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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