Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
