i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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