this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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