Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
