my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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