so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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