note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
