I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
