I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
