Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i believe in u and ur pee
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
