White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
