Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
