you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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