Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
