i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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