We're facebook friends in real life
wanna go halves on a baby?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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