Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
