I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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