After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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