I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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