you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize