How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
