Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
