i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
